Middle Age Angst

The blessing of being a mother is one that can never be matched. I wouldn’t have known to ask for a gift so filled with lessons in patience, persistence, perseverance, kindness, fear, anger, letting go. Being a mother embodies the good, the bad and the ugly. And I’d never have it any other way; except for the times when it feels as though my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

I thought I was prepared for this stage of motherhood. For about four years I’ve made a conscious effort to befriend women who are either just a head of me, or in the same space. We’ve had coffee, shared experiences, hopes and strengths. As a core group we’ve gathered each other up and held one another- sometimes tight and warm, and sometimes at arms-length. We’ve chosen to be denial-busters and at other times have dried tears. Through it all we’ve held hands and hearts. I was mentally preparing, but clearly nothing could have adequately equipped me for this level of grief.

For twenty-four years I’ve been a mother whose primary role has been caretaker to her four children. For ten of those years I’ve been a single mother balancing the roles of chief breadwinner along with chauffeur, chef, scheduler, disciplinarian, counselor and all-around organizer. Slowly, as children have launched, the intensity of these roles has lessened. I didn’t know how painful the loss of these roles would be.

The day to day physical intensity is no longer needed. Gone are school events, conferences, meetings, games, practices and concerts. Enter the “revolving door” era when the multitude of comings and goings tugs at my heart strings like a pain I’ve never known. The gratitude I feel to see them on my doorstep melts into bittersweet moments of re-entry. Then, just as soon as I’m accustomed to them being home, they leave again. The tears fall. I know, intellectually, that they’re not leaving me; after all I’ve raised them with wings. It still feels that way sometimes. You know, those times when I’m not shouting “hallelujah” as the car pulls out of the driveway.

They promise to return. It’s what I’ve asked of them. With pictures and stories to share of their adventures. I am blessed that they choose to share their experiences, that they want to come home- to get grounded, feel safe, get cookies. Then they’re off again. Is it prideful that I feel such success at this behavior? It’s yet another bittersweet piece.

And now there’s me. It’s time for my adventure. New roles to try on, new hands to hold. It’s not an easy shift; while there may be others who could use my care, there’s some work to be done on me. I’m grateful for this time, and grateful for the awareness that I’m in need of some healing. There’s a hole that needs to be filled and instead of filling with external stuff- people, places, things- I’m gonna work toward knitting that hole back together from within. Though I won’t be surprised if a cookie or two passes my lips.

"Humbly Healthy" Isn't Just Physical Health

When I started blogging, I did so with the intent of espousing my experiences toward a more physically healthy me. Me with my clean eating, me with my Bikram Yoga, me and cooking all kinds of yumminess. Somewhere along the line, I stopped blogging and started doing different things, I’m just not sure what those activities were. Perhaps I was on a high similar to that when a relationship is new; you know what I mean, the adrenaline is pumping and all you can think about is the other person (or computer in my case). Slowly you come to realize that the honeymoon period is over; that’s when the relationship becomes real work. That’s just about the time I lost it with my blog. Not knowing what to write about, I stopped showing up. The funny thing is that I didn’t stop writing, I just stopped pushing the “publish” button. I started writing longhand in a journal. This time-honored practice is one I began as an adolescent. It’s comfortable enough to return to when life gets a little tough. Like macaroni and cheese, journaling is comfort food for my soul.

So what happened? In February/March of 2012 life was buzzing along at a nice, comfortable pace then BAM! my left knee started acting up. None of the strategies that I had used in the past were working to alleviate my pain. My Bikram yoga practice exaggerated my dis-ease, my chiropractor wasn’t able to adjust it in the correct manner, ice and/or heat were only short-term fixes. At the urging of a friend I took a big step out and visited my doctor. Of course all kinds of appointments were recommended- x-rays, blood work, visits to the orthopod. This taxed my already full schedule and almost empty bank account, and all to no avail. (Okay honestly, I didn’t keep the appointment with the orthopedic surgeon; no surgery for me!) Thankfully an alternate chiropractor- an “extremities expert” was recommended. After just three adjustments I felt enough relief to take a four-day, 1100 mile road trip late in April. Upon my return, I eased up on the Bikram practicing just 3-4 days per week and started experimenting with alternative types of yoga. This is when I discovered yin yoga, the polar opposite of the hot, sweaty Bikram. After combining the two for about a month, my budget reared it’s ugly head and choices had to be made.

The next alternate activity I tried was biking. I quickly fell in love with the early morning trek to work and long, peddle punching weekend rides. Yet in mid-July my body began to protest again intense pain screaming from the outside of my kneecap up along my hip and into the groin. A tight IT band was diagnosed. Please know that “patient” is not a term often used to describe me; clearly my body was forcing me to slow down and become patient. I didn’t like it. I got mad at my body. I rebelled. I got addicted to “Weeds” on Netflix. I started using painkillers to sleep at night. I got re-addicted to ice cream. I let my mind take over and began to feel sorry for myself. I didn’t want to have to work to get better, I just magically wanted it to happen. But it didn’t. My clothes started to get a bit tight and I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. I had the tools. I knew what to do. But I didn’t do it. I began to feel very discontent in every area of my life. My kids were leaving home; I was happy/sad. My job was going well, but I was bored. The relationship I was in was not working; but I held on anyway. I felt as though my life was out of my control; my emotions certainly were. My past coping technique of running to the Bikram studio was not an option- I was left with myself and my emotions and there was nothing to do but walk through the jumbled mess in my mind.

Thank the Universe, I took some time off around my birthday at the end of August. I had been happily anticipating turning 50 and wanted to make sure I took time to let it all sink in. The time, with no real plans or goals attached, was the ultimate gift. I had time for friends and time to write and time to cry and time to just sit on the porch with a cup of coffee while listening to the birds sing. Sigh. It was time to get back to ME. The true ME. The real ME. Not the scared, victimized person I had allowed myself to be. I ate ice cream and cake, but it was okay.

It seems as though sometimes we need to fall apart in order to be knit back together in a new way. I feel renewed strength and have begun a morning yoga routine to compliment my evening practice. My pain has begun to dissipate as I’ve taken the action I can to help myself one day at a time. My children “gifted” me with more unlimited yoga, so I’ve been able to get back to Yin, alternating daily with Bikram. As if by magic, I’ve given up ice cream and made a clean break with the man who wasn’t meeting my needs. I’ve renewed my commitment to blogging with an expanded purpose of addressing my whole health. It just makes more sense. Most wonderfully of all, The Universe has responded to this positive behavior with many enlightening messages and intentions. I’ll share some of those here. I’m happy to be back. P.S. It won't just be about me

The Sourdough Experiment

“Do over” has been my battle-cry as I attempt to master the craft of naturally leavened bread, also known as “sourdough”.

I became intrigued and inspired to try my hand at this age-old technique in September 2011 after investing in a $7 loaf of locally made yumminess. The list of ingredients was small: water, flour, salt. This fact alone makes it a healthier alternative, yet when I did a little research, I found the following:

Health Benefits of Sourdough
by Shannon on February 9, 2011 in Bakeshop

Sourdough breads are leavened by a starter that contains natural yeasts and acids. The airborne yeast creates the enzymes needed to eat up or predigest some of the toughest-on-your-belly parts of the grain. This action creates carbon dioxide, which gets trapped in tiny pockets of dough, resulting in a natural rising of the bread.

Breaks Down Gluten
The longer soaking/rising time breaks the proteins (gluten) down into amino acids, making it more easily digested. This is why some who have a gluten sensitivity can tolerate sourdough wheat breads.

Better Nutrient Profile
Like all other fermentation processes, the bacteria present in the sourdough starter eat the starch and sugars present in the grain. This results in a lowering of the starch or carbohydrate content of the bread, which is helpful for keeping blood sugar levels regulated. It also increases some of the vitamin and mineral content of the grain.

Naturally Preserves the Bread
The lactic acid in the bread creates a lovely tang and predigests the grain for you. The acetic acid produced in the souring process helps the bread to store longer, inhibiting the growth of molds.

Neutralizes Anti-Nutrients
Finally, the bacteria present in the sourdough help to activate phytase, an enzyme that breaks down an anti-nutrient present in all grains, beans, and seeds – phytic acid. This may seem minor, but phytic acid is known to strip your body of minerals and can be hard on your digestion.

None of this can be said of the quick action of commercial yeast.

No wonder I felt better when I made the choice to eat sourdough bread!

With my most determined “I can do that!” attitude, I created my “starter”, allowing it to ferment over the course of a few days. Over the weekend, I set up to bake. My first loaves were small and dense. I retarded the starter (also known as the “mother”) by storing it in the fridge during the week, bringing it out to bring to room temperature to “feed” on subsequent weekends. Over the course of 3 or 4 weeks, the loaves became bigger- wider, yet never very tall. I decided that my starter must be bad and I backburnered my efforts, once again resorting to the purchase of commercially manufactured whole grain bread.

In early December; I saw an ad for a Natural Leavening classes at local Pleasanton Brick-Oven Bakery (http://www.pleasantbakery.com/) My heart cried out with joy! This is just what I needed to increase my odds of success at home. I casually mentioned the class to one of my children, then emailed the link to her (subtle hint…Christmas for Momma!) Knowing she would benefit from her investment, Bridget took the bait.

The class was held on January 17; it was everything I had hoped for and more! Our teachers Hannah and Nic had “staged” the dough in different phases of the baking process in order to allow us to move through each step within the three hour time frame. My head reeling a bit from the math, I was able to take in most of the information- thankfully we were given handouts to refer to at home. Each student left the class with a loaf fresh from the oven, a shaped loaf ready to bake, as well as fermented dough ready to shape and bake at a later time. We were also gifted with a few ounces of the Pleasanton starter which has been used for almost two decades. On my way out the door, Hannah delightfully dropped additional samples in my bag; my daughters were gleeful when I walked through the door that snowy winter night!

The at-home baking of the shaped loaf was a bit of an adventure. My thought was that the smell of fresh baked bread first thing in the morning would be a wonderful gift for my family. Up at 6am Wednesday, I turned on the oven to preheat. Instructions read to preheat at 500 degrees for 1 hour. At 6:30 the first smoke alarm went off, and as if like dominoes, the second and third alarms followed closely. So much for a gift, right? Eighteen year olds just don't like getting up any earlier than they need to. Nonetheless, I persevered; after all the alarm batteries were dislodged, I sprinkled flour on the bottom of the Dutch oven I planned to bake in and set about coaxing the dough out of the basket. It took some effort, one end of the dough hanging on which ended in quite an elongated loaf once the dough was released. After plopping the loaf into the Dutch oven, I tried to reshape it a bit, then went about slashing with a kitchen knife. Yup. Couldn't find the utility knife. And I won't do that again. The loaf ended up quite flat- the cuts not even close to deep enough. But you know what? No matter what the bread looked like, the taste was fabulous!

The fermented in-a-bag dough was transformed into a fabulous pizza crust. Being a "no sauce" kind of pizza gal, I used sliced tomatoes, fresh spinach and basil as well as caramelized onions with a hint of balsamic vinegar to create my masterpiece. Two handfuls of mozzarella kept the veggies from sliding off the crust. YUM.

Last night I started to feed the mother, which I kept in the fridge. I also located the utility knife and found extra blades. Baking will commence after my 4pm yoga class. We'll see how if goes. Luckily there's always tomorrow if today's efforts are in need of a "do over".

New Year 2012

It’s a new year, a new beginning, full of possibilities…so, what if we consider that every day, albeit every moment is a new beginning? A bit of radical thinking, I know.

Somehow, the idea of setting up New Year’s Resolutions strikes me as a bit negative. We spend time examining ourselves, looking at what we may see as “faults” or even “areas for growth”, and then we set out to improve ourselves over the course of the next 365 days. What if, this year, we look at ourselves as whole and complete humans?

Now, this does not mean that there isn’t room for improvement. Essentially the whole idea of being human speaks of flaws. This does not make us bad people, nor inherently evil. (Okay, there is room for controversy in that statement…please keep reading before you react). However if we continue to act from a place of deficiency, when are we ever good enough?

Yup, I’m changing it up a bit this year. No New Year’s Resolutions for me; no goals, no lists, no “must haves” or “must dos”.  Instead 2012 will have a theme- “Go BIG!”  It’s a simple, yet effective statement that can be applied to every area of my life EVERY DAY; in essence, the message to me is Live Life to its Fullest and Don’t Hold Back.

Admittedly, I’m a recovering Type-A person who makes lists, and lists of lists. When I’m completely honest with myself, I can admit that this is a way to attempt to control my life and my environment; I also tend to use this technique as a way to beat myself for non-compliance. I’ve decided that there’s no longer a need for any of that. Things will get done, with or without a list. “Going BIG” doesn’t allow for procrastination; things get done in the moment. Tasks and people get my full attention- Life is Lived in the Moment.

As I type this, the other side of my brain is hedging….”but, but, but…” It is what it is. Faith. Hope. Trust. In God. In me. Knowing that I’ve been given everything I need to live life right now today. And I’ve been given a whole lot more- to share. So it’s time to get on with that sharing piece. No holding back. “Go BIG!”

When Two World's Collide

It’s true; I haven’t always been the fountain of good health. As a matter of fact, for as long as I can remember, I’ve loved to bake. As a pre-teen, one of my first successes in the dessert arena was butterscotch pie, a wonderful concoction of butterscotch pudding and classic pie dough. Cakes and cookies and pies fed my sugar addiction. Thankfully, I’ve recently been able to “healthify” some of my all time favorite baked goods. Though possible, it seems somewhat sacrilege to do so with the following signature formula.  

My eldest daughter was fourteen or fifteen when I discovered a most wonderful cookie recipe. Found on the back of a package of Imperial Margarine, “Regal Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies” quickly became a family favorite. The year was approximately 2003. Erin was a freshman in high school; her friends were a bevy of boy craziness. I write this confidently remembering the batches of cookies that were made to soothe the boyfriend break-ups. After a time of offering such solace, the need arose to put certain limits on my generosity: Only one batch per boy and only one batch every other month. It seemed as though perhaps these young women were discarding relationships in order to receive the goodies!

While I’m not sure how it happened, this also became the cookie of choice to honor the birthday of the teenager's friends. To this day, if one notes his or her birthday on my kitchen calendar, I will make a batch of what are now known as “Momma Bear Cookies”.

This particular cookie has also become "famous" amongst the choristers at TC West High School. My last choir member is a senior this year, and as I move into what will be the last season as a volunteer for the school musical, I feel it very important to pass along the recipe to those up and coming- parents and choir members alike.

Ingredients

1 cup (2 sticks) butter

1 cup packed dark brown sugar

1 cup sugar

2 large eggs

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1 ½ cups flour

1 tsp. baking soda

½ teaspoon salt

3 cups uncooked oatmeal (I prefer old fashioned, but quick oats work just fine)

12 oz. chocolate chips

Directions: Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. In a large bowl, beat butter until light. Add sugars; beat until fluffy. Add eggs and vanilla, beat well. Add flour, baking soda and salt; mix well. Stir in oatmeal and chocolate chips until thoroughly combined. Drop by rounded tablespoonfuls onto a cookie sheet (I like to line mine with parchment paper for easy clean up). Bake 10-12 minutes or until cookies are just set. Do not overbake. Makes about 5 dozen.

Marvelous Minestrone

One of the wonderful perks of being involved with “The Biggest Winner” program in the Fall of 2010 was that we participants received weekly recipes via email. These were fabulous clean-eating recipes that, for the most part, required just rudimentary knowledge of the kitchen. Lifted from Clean Eating magazine, this recipe continues to be one of my favorites. Incredibly versatile, I’ve used this soup pot as the perfect landing place for those less than savory veggies left in the produce drawer of the fridge. It’s also through this formula that I learned about that wonderful, protein-packed pseudo-grain, quinoa. I put this soup together just about every other week. Made on either the stove top, or in the slow cooker, it sits well in the fridge and is the perfect after yoga meal.

For the first few months, I used canned tomatoes and cannelloni beans when making this soup. Recently, however, I’ve learned to take the time to start with fresh veggies and dry beans- the result, both taste and health wise, is well worth the effort.

[See a report on recent research at:  http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/11/22/bpa-lurks-in-canned-soups-and-drinks]

Ingredients

2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil

2 medium carrots, diced (approx 1 cup)

1 cup fennel

6 cups low sodium chicken broth (or vegetable broth if making a vegetarian option)

1 cup red onion diced

2 large cloves garlic, finely chopped

2 bay leaves

2 tsp fresh thyme leaves, chopped

¼ tsp fennel seeds, crushed

1 ½ cups cooked cannelloni beans (white kidney beans), rinsed and drained

2 cups fresh plum tomatoes, peeled, seeded and diced

1/3 cup uncooked quinoa

kosher salt and ground black pepper to taste

1 cup fresh spinach, cut chiffonade

tbsp basil, thinly sliced

2 oz. Parmigianino Reggiano, finely grated (about ½ cup), optional

Directions

§         In a large heavy bottomed pot, heat oil over medium heat.

§         Add carrots, fennel, onion, garlic, bay leaves, thyme and fennel seeds, and cook, stirring often, until vegetables are tender, about 8 minutes.

(If using a slow cooker, a large skillet can be used for these first two steps. Vegetables should be transferred to the cooker when tender.)

§         Add 6 cups low sodium chicken (or vegetable) broth, beans, tomatoes and quinoa.

§         Heat to boiling then reduce heat to low and simmer until quinoa is tender, about 20 minutes.

§         Remove bay leaves and season with salt and pepper.

Oh Green Soup, how I love thee!

I was first introduced to the concept of green soup by my nutritional counselor. Now, I know how that sounds- kind of “hoity, toity”- but honestly, nutritional counseling has been one of the best investments in me that I’ve ever made. I tend toward “know-it-all-ness” and generally need a good kick in the pants to come back to reality. Dr. Julie has a rather gentle, yet direct foot.

About 80 days into a 60 day yoga challenge, I walked into Dr. Julie’s office with complaints of feeling lethargic and having a tough time getting through yoga class. (You may note that I didn’t say work day; you need to know that yoga takes priority over almost everything else. It’s true. I’m an addict) I was completely baffled by the way my body was acting; Dr. Julie however would have rolled her eyes at me if she had allowed herself. “What are you eating, Becky?” -she started with the questions. “And you’ve done one Bikram yoga class per day for approximately 2 ½ months?”; “What makes you think that you’re fueling your body well?” (Ouch, that one hurt). “I want you to go to the grocery store and pick up every green vegetable you find. Then go home and throw them all into a soup pot together. You are severely low in minerals and need to get your body back up to speed pronto.” (No, these weren’t her actual words, but this is the way I heard them).

I’m no dummy, so I did as I was told. Not only did I create the most fantastic tasting soup, I felt the effects immediately. What a panacea!

Fast forward about six months. I was reading through the October 2011 issue of Eating Well magazine. There on page 78 is an article entitled, “The Soup for Life” by Anna Thomas. The article contains five wonderful green soup recipes; the one you’ll find below is for Basic Green Soup.

The concept of green soup is very simple- use any and as many green vegetables as you like. Puree it if you want a creamy soup (I always do). I like to use rice or potatoes to thicken.

Ingredients

2 tbs olive oil

2 large yellow onions chopped

1 tsp salt divided

2 tbs plus 3 cups water

1 yam (smallish)

1 bunch kale

approx 14 cups spinach

4 cups vegetable broth

big pinch cayenne pepper

lemon juice to taste

1. Heat olive oil in a large skillet over high heat. Add onions and 1/4 tsp salt; cook, stirring frequently until onions start turning brown (about 5 min). Reduce heat and add 2 tbs water. Cook, stirring occasionally (cover between stirs) until onions are reduced and have a deep caramel color- 25-30 minutes.
2. Meanwhile, combine 3 cups water and ¾ tsp salt in a soup pot; add the diced yam. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to simmer and cook for 15 minutes. Trim the white ribs out of the kale; coarsely chop kale and spinach.
3. When yam is soft, add the kale. Cook for 10 minutes. When the onions are caramelized, stir them into the soup pot with spinach, broth and cayenne. Return to simmer, cover and cook until spinach is tender but still bright green- about 5 minutes more.
4. Puree the soup in the pot with an immersion blender until smooth or in a regular blender in batches (return to pot). Stir in 1 tbs lemon. Taste and add more if desired.