Letting Go~ Again and Still

I’ve been working on another blog post for over three weeks; starting, stopping, editing, rewriting- in essence it’s been kinda tough. And that’s odd for me; generally these posts just flow, or perhaps more appropriately, they are jettisoned from my consciousness. This morning it occurred to me that perhaps I’d been pushing too hard to make the post appear. It was beginning to feel as though I was pregnant and WAY overdue, trying everything I could to get that “baby” to be birthed. Inevitably, like that baby in utero, the post is out of my control. Well, kind of. And so I’ve decided to just let go and move on.

Oddly, “Let Go” has been my mantra for a while. Funny thing about using a mantra, and/or praying, you just may end up getting what you ask for. In my case, it’s been a number of opportunities, situations, and people to let go of. Forgive me if I have a hard time laughing at myself here- admittedly I do like to organize and plan things. And at times those actions may come across as controlling. Maybe that’s because they are. But as I listen more to my heart, and stop engaging in internal battle, the letting go becomes very simple.

Letting go and slowing down seem to go hand in hand. One interesting thing about me is the infernal internal battle. It’s my mind, my brain, that stays busy and that wants my physical body to follow suit. It tells me to “do this”, or “do that”; “stop that, and go back to this”. At times I feel as though there’s a little ADHD going on here. But it’s just a mind-trip- the desire of my mind to keep me moving so I don’t slow down and feel, or listen. You see, my mind has the ability to completely destroy me. Slowing down, and at times dismissing a life-long pattern is tough. However I’ve found it necessary. Just like my body that has screamed at me to pay attention, my soul is now longing for equal time. Conquer the mind and the body will flow.

This is an ongoing challenge. I’ve noticed lately in yin yoga classes that the teacher speaks of easing into a posture and letting go, or making space. I’ve heard encouragement at times to not fill that space so quickly- to leave it open for possibility. My mind so wants to complete the puzzle, to add the missing piece. The challenge remains to keep open and allow the “filler” to come. This is a tough post to write, because the intricacies are incredibly intertwined. Most often I can cut to the chase and see the simplicity; but not so here. When I choose the filler, the outcome may not be positive. Yet when I allow opportunity, through action/exploration, that filler is more likely to speak to my soul.

I was once told that only the mind is real; that the emotions are not. While there may be some truth in this, I propose that the ultimate reality is the soul. This is the seat of all knowledge and truth. The mind, or ego, simply thinks it has all the answers. How do we discern between the ideas of the mind and the truth of the soul? We simply need time to listen, to know. Then we are led. Oddly the timeline that unfolds is never of our making.

Remember that movie “Field of Dreams”? The famous line is “If we build it, they will come.” There’s lots of personal truth in that statement. For me it means to build the yoga practice, build the stamina and discipline to listen- work beyond the asanas. And the truth will come. Letting go of the mind is the key.

The Book...Take One

In September, I self-published my first recipe compilation. I'm not quite sure why I haven't shared the publication here. Sheer terror perhaps? More than likely it just didn't occur to me until now to make the announcement. I've got a middle-aged brain after all.

The compilation contains many favorites that I've found, have been given and have literally run in to. Some of the recipes I've "cleaned up" a bit, and others have been left as is. Cooking is a very creative endeavor for me; that freedom keeps it fun and fresh. I subscribe to a few different foodie blogs, and have recipes from sites such as www.realsimple.com  and www.graciouspantry.com delivered directly to my inbox. It's incredibly handy to have recipes arrive that way. Though from time to time I get cravings just reading my email. And there are always more recipes to try than I have time for. This, I think, is a good problem to have.

Below you'll find an excerpt from "Regarding Rebecca"- a different kind of Foreword.

September 2012

This is much easier to write if I start with what I am not. I am NOT: a chef- professionally trained or otherwise; a restaurant owner; a food critic or food writer- I'm not a professional foodie at any level. I’m not a nutritionist or a personal trainer; though in my own mind (through delusions of grandeur) I’ve been all of the above. I am a woman who, after years of battling food addiction, exercise addiction, low self-esteem and all the assorted "stuff" that goes along with these issues, finally admitted that she needed some help to get it right.

For close to 50 years, I've attempted to battle this demon on my own through research: the latest and greatest in nutrition and/or exercise never got past me. After my years as a high school athlete, I wore leg warmers with Jane [Fonda], lifted weights with the guys at the gym, and put on the gloves with Billy Blanks [Tae Bo]. I’ve probably logged a million miles of walking and running, at times with both human and canine partners. I know about all of the food pyramid formats, eating five to stay alive, low-carb and the grapefruit diet. Lack of knowledge has never been my problem. The challenge has been my lack of patience. I’ve been a victim of my own thinking- “I want what I want when I want it.” A healthy body, however, relies on a healthier lifestyle for which there’s no quick fix. 
    
The need to work consistently on my personal health was drummed into me beginning in September 2010.  My daughter, Bridget asked me if I'd join her in an eight-week program that our chiropractor’s had designed called "The Biggest Winner". Now, I’m no dummy and I know that anytime my 16 year old asks me to do something with her, I say yes (as long as the request is within reason, of course). So we signed up for what was billed to be a “jump-start” to healthier living.
    
Initially, I signed up to “support” Bridget; I knew I had a handle on living healthfully (sarcasm intended). After all, I had my five to six day per week Bikram yoga practice, I had the food pyramid memorized, was careful to eat five to seven servings of fruit and vegetables per day and only ate sweets every once in awhile...well, unless I was baking cookies or there was a “need” to drive to Moomers. In my mind, I had this thing licked. I chose to ignore the fact that I had been on a plateau with my weight for over a year. Logic dictates that eating healthfully on a regular basis along with regular exercise would equal weight loss, right? 
    
...continued...
    

My sense of personal responsibility dictates that the more I know, the more responsible I become for my own health. I continue to educate myself, and highly recommend any book by Michael Pollan, the movies “Food Inc.” and “Forks Over Knives”. My greatest hope is that more people will begin to make the necessary changes in order to benefit their biggest asset, their health. Our country has some staggering statistics in regard to obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and several other crises that could be averted through lifestyle changes. It’s really very simple, but it's definitely not easy. Change very rarely is. Bottom line: We’re only given one body; our job is to be good stewards of this gift.
    

Middle Age Angst

The blessing of being a mother is one that can never be matched. I wouldn’t have known to ask for a gift so filled with lessons in patience, persistence, perseverance, kindness, fear, anger, letting go. Being a mother embodies the good, the bad and the ugly. And I’d never have it any other way; except for the times when it feels as though my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

I thought I was prepared for this stage of motherhood. For about four years I’ve made a conscious effort to befriend women who are either just a head of me, or in the same space. We’ve had coffee, shared experiences, hopes and strengths. As a core group we’ve gathered each other up and held one another- sometimes tight and warm, and sometimes at arms-length. We’ve chosen to be denial-busters and at other times have dried tears. Through it all we’ve held hands and hearts. I was mentally preparing, but clearly nothing could have adequately equipped me for this level of grief.

For twenty-four years I’ve been a mother whose primary role has been caretaker to her four children. For ten of those years I’ve been a single mother balancing the roles of chief breadwinner along with chauffeur, chef, scheduler, disciplinarian, counselor and all-around organizer. Slowly, as children have launched, the intensity of these roles has lessened. I didn’t know how painful the loss of these roles would be.

The day to day physical intensity is no longer needed. Gone are school events, conferences, meetings, games, practices and concerts. Enter the “revolving door” era when the multitude of comings and goings tugs at my heart strings like a pain I’ve never known. The gratitude I feel to see them on my doorstep melts into bittersweet moments of re-entry. Then, just as soon as I’m accustomed to them being home, they leave again. The tears fall. I know, intellectually, that they’re not leaving me; after all I’ve raised them with wings. It still feels that way sometimes. You know, those times when I’m not shouting “hallelujah” as the car pulls out of the driveway.

They promise to return. It’s what I’ve asked of them. With pictures and stories to share of their adventures. I am blessed that they choose to share their experiences, that they want to come home- to get grounded, feel safe, get cookies. Then they’re off again. Is it prideful that I feel such success at this behavior? It’s yet another bittersweet piece.

And now there’s me. It’s time for my adventure. New roles to try on, new hands to hold. It’s not an easy shift; while there may be others who could use my care, there’s some work to be done on me. I’m grateful for this time, and grateful for the awareness that I’m in need of some healing. There’s a hole that needs to be filled and instead of filling with external stuff- people, places, things- I’m gonna work toward knitting that hole back together from within. Though I won’t be surprised if a cookie or two passes my lips.

"Humbly Healthy" Isn't Just Physical Health

When I started blogging, I did so with the intent of espousing my experiences toward a more physically healthy me. Me with my clean eating, me with my Bikram Yoga, me and cooking all kinds of yumminess. Somewhere along the line, I stopped blogging and started doing different things, I’m just not sure what those activities were. Perhaps I was on a high similar to that when a relationship is new; you know what I mean, the adrenaline is pumping and all you can think about is the other person (or computer in my case). Slowly you come to realize that the honeymoon period is over; that’s when the relationship becomes real work. That’s just about the time I lost it with my blog. Not knowing what to write about, I stopped showing up. The funny thing is that I didn’t stop writing, I just stopped pushing the “publish” button. I started writing longhand in a journal. This time-honored practice is one I began as an adolescent. It’s comfortable enough to return to when life gets a little tough. Like macaroni and cheese, journaling is comfort food for my soul.

So what happened? In February/March of 2012 life was buzzing along at a nice, comfortable pace then BAM! my left knee started acting up. None of the strategies that I had used in the past were working to alleviate my pain. My Bikram yoga practice exaggerated my dis-ease, my chiropractor wasn’t able to adjust it in the correct manner, ice and/or heat were only short-term fixes. At the urging of a friend I took a big step out and visited my doctor. Of course all kinds of appointments were recommended- x-rays, blood work, visits to the orthopod. This taxed my already full schedule and almost empty bank account, and all to no avail. (Okay honestly, I didn’t keep the appointment with the orthopedic surgeon; no surgery for me!) Thankfully an alternate chiropractor- an “extremities expert” was recommended. After just three adjustments I felt enough relief to take a four-day, 1100 mile road trip late in April. Upon my return, I eased up on the Bikram practicing just 3-4 days per week and started experimenting with alternative types of yoga. This is when I discovered yin yoga, the polar opposite of the hot, sweaty Bikram. After combining the two for about a month, my budget reared it’s ugly head and choices had to be made.

The next alternate activity I tried was biking. I quickly fell in love with the early morning trek to work and long, peddle punching weekend rides. Yet in mid-July my body began to protest again intense pain screaming from the outside of my kneecap up along my hip and into the groin. A tight IT band was diagnosed. Please know that “patient” is not a term often used to describe me; clearly my body was forcing me to slow down and become patient. I didn’t like it. I got mad at my body. I rebelled. I got addicted to “Weeds” on Netflix. I started using painkillers to sleep at night. I got re-addicted to ice cream. I let my mind take over and began to feel sorry for myself. I didn’t want to have to work to get better, I just magically wanted it to happen. But it didn’t. My clothes started to get a bit tight and I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. I had the tools. I knew what to do. But I didn’t do it. I began to feel very discontent in every area of my life. My kids were leaving home; I was happy/sad. My job was going well, but I was bored. The relationship I was in was not working; but I held on anyway. I felt as though my life was out of my control; my emotions certainly were. My past coping technique of running to the Bikram studio was not an option- I was left with myself and my emotions and there was nothing to do but walk through the jumbled mess in my mind.

Thank the Universe, I took some time off around my birthday at the end of August. I had been happily anticipating turning 50 and wanted to make sure I took time to let it all sink in. The time, with no real plans or goals attached, was the ultimate gift. I had time for friends and time to write and time to cry and time to just sit on the porch with a cup of coffee while listening to the birds sing. Sigh. It was time to get back to ME. The true ME. The real ME. Not the scared, victimized person I had allowed myself to be. I ate ice cream and cake, but it was okay.

It seems as though sometimes we need to fall apart in order to be knit back together in a new way. I feel renewed strength and have begun a morning yoga routine to compliment my evening practice. My pain has begun to dissipate as I’ve taken the action I can to help myself one day at a time. My children “gifted” me with more unlimited yoga, so I’ve been able to get back to Yin, alternating daily with Bikram. As if by magic, I’ve given up ice cream and made a clean break with the man who wasn’t meeting my needs. I’ve renewed my commitment to blogging with an expanded purpose of addressing my whole health. It just makes more sense. Most wonderfully of all, The Universe has responded to this positive behavior with many enlightening messages and intentions. I’ll share some of those here. I’m happy to be back. P.S. It won't just be about me

The Sourdough Experiment

“Do over” has been my battle-cry as I attempt to master the craft of naturally leavened bread, also known as “sourdough”.

I became intrigued and inspired to try my hand at this age-old technique in September 2011 after investing in a $7 loaf of locally made yumminess. The list of ingredients was small: water, flour, salt. This fact alone makes it a healthier alternative, yet when I did a little research, I found the following:

Health Benefits of Sourdough
by Shannon on February 9, 2011 in Bakeshop

Sourdough breads are leavened by a starter that contains natural yeasts and acids. The airborne yeast creates the enzymes needed to eat up or predigest some of the toughest-on-your-belly parts of the grain. This action creates carbon dioxide, which gets trapped in tiny pockets of dough, resulting in a natural rising of the bread.

Breaks Down Gluten
The longer soaking/rising time breaks the proteins (gluten) down into amino acids, making it more easily digested. This is why some who have a gluten sensitivity can tolerate sourdough wheat breads.

Better Nutrient Profile
Like all other fermentation processes, the bacteria present in the sourdough starter eat the starch and sugars present in the grain. This results in a lowering of the starch or carbohydrate content of the bread, which is helpful for keeping blood sugar levels regulated. It also increases some of the vitamin and mineral content of the grain.

Naturally Preserves the Bread
The lactic acid in the bread creates a lovely tang and predigests the grain for you. The acetic acid produced in the souring process helps the bread to store longer, inhibiting the growth of molds.

Neutralizes Anti-Nutrients
Finally, the bacteria present in the sourdough help to activate phytase, an enzyme that breaks down an anti-nutrient present in all grains, beans, and seeds – phytic acid. This may seem minor, but phytic acid is known to strip your body of minerals and can be hard on your digestion.

None of this can be said of the quick action of commercial yeast.

No wonder I felt better when I made the choice to eat sourdough bread!

With my most determined “I can do that!” attitude, I created my “starter”, allowing it to ferment over the course of a few days. Over the weekend, I set up to bake. My first loaves were small and dense. I retarded the starter (also known as the “mother”) by storing it in the fridge during the week, bringing it out to bring to room temperature to “feed” on subsequent weekends. Over the course of 3 or 4 weeks, the loaves became bigger- wider, yet never very tall. I decided that my starter must be bad and I backburnered my efforts, once again resorting to the purchase of commercially manufactured whole grain bread.

In early December; I saw an ad for a Natural Leavening classes at local Pleasanton Brick-Oven Bakery (http://www.pleasantbakery.com/) My heart cried out with joy! This is just what I needed to increase my odds of success at home. I casually mentioned the class to one of my children, then emailed the link to her (subtle hint…Christmas for Momma!) Knowing she would benefit from her investment, Bridget took the bait.

The class was held on January 17; it was everything I had hoped for and more! Our teachers Hannah and Nic had “staged” the dough in different phases of the baking process in order to allow us to move through each step within the three hour time frame. My head reeling a bit from the math, I was able to take in most of the information- thankfully we were given handouts to refer to at home. Each student left the class with a loaf fresh from the oven, a shaped loaf ready to bake, as well as fermented dough ready to shape and bake at a later time. We were also gifted with a few ounces of the Pleasanton starter which has been used for almost two decades. On my way out the door, Hannah delightfully dropped additional samples in my bag; my daughters were gleeful when I walked through the door that snowy winter night!

The at-home baking of the shaped loaf was a bit of an adventure. My thought was that the smell of fresh baked bread first thing in the morning would be a wonderful gift for my family. Up at 6am Wednesday, I turned on the oven to preheat. Instructions read to preheat at 500 degrees for 1 hour. At 6:30 the first smoke alarm went off, and as if like dominoes, the second and third alarms followed closely. So much for a gift, right? Eighteen year olds just don't like getting up any earlier than they need to. Nonetheless, I persevered; after all the alarm batteries were dislodged, I sprinkled flour on the bottom of the Dutch oven I planned to bake in and set about coaxing the dough out of the basket. It took some effort, one end of the dough hanging on which ended in quite an elongated loaf once the dough was released. After plopping the loaf into the Dutch oven, I tried to reshape it a bit, then went about slashing with a kitchen knife. Yup. Couldn't find the utility knife. And I won't do that again. The loaf ended up quite flat- the cuts not even close to deep enough. But you know what? No matter what the bread looked like, the taste was fabulous!

The fermented in-a-bag dough was transformed into a fabulous pizza crust. Being a "no sauce" kind of pizza gal, I used sliced tomatoes, fresh spinach and basil as well as caramelized onions with a hint of balsamic vinegar to create my masterpiece. Two handfuls of mozzarella kept the veggies from sliding off the crust. YUM.

Last night I started to feed the mother, which I kept in the fridge. I also located the utility knife and found extra blades. Baking will commence after my 4pm yoga class. We'll see how if goes. Luckily there's always tomorrow if today's efforts are in need of a "do over".

New Year 2012

It’s a new year, a new beginning, full of possibilities…so, what if we consider that every day, albeit every moment is a new beginning? A bit of radical thinking, I know.

Somehow, the idea of setting up New Year’s Resolutions strikes me as a bit negative. We spend time examining ourselves, looking at what we may see as “faults” or even “areas for growth”, and then we set out to improve ourselves over the course of the next 365 days. What if, this year, we look at ourselves as whole and complete humans?

Now, this does not mean that there isn’t room for improvement. Essentially the whole idea of being human speaks of flaws. This does not make us bad people, nor inherently evil. (Okay, there is room for controversy in that statement…please keep reading before you react). However if we continue to act from a place of deficiency, when are we ever good enough?

Yup, I’m changing it up a bit this year. No New Year’s Resolutions for me; no goals, no lists, no “must haves” or “must dos”.  Instead 2012 will have a theme- “Go BIG!”  It’s a simple, yet effective statement that can be applied to every area of my life EVERY DAY; in essence, the message to me is Live Life to its Fullest and Don’t Hold Back.

Admittedly, I’m a recovering Type-A person who makes lists, and lists of lists. When I’m completely honest with myself, I can admit that this is a way to attempt to control my life and my environment; I also tend to use this technique as a way to beat myself for non-compliance. I’ve decided that there’s no longer a need for any of that. Things will get done, with or without a list. “Going BIG” doesn’t allow for procrastination; things get done in the moment. Tasks and people get my full attention- Life is Lived in the Moment.

As I type this, the other side of my brain is hedging….”but, but, but…” It is what it is. Faith. Hope. Trust. In God. In me. Knowing that I’ve been given everything I need to live life right now today. And I’ve been given a whole lot more- to share. So it’s time to get on with that sharing piece. No holding back. “Go BIG!”