This past Saturday night, I watched the bi-annual Bikram Yoga Teacher Training Graduation. It was live-streamed, so I was able to watch Bikram as he spoke, sending the freshly educated on their way. Though The Man is thoroughly engaging, one sentence continues to stick out: “The yoga will make you love yourself.” In a nutshell, this is why I practice.
For close to 49 years I’ve been told by therapists, best friends, more than one lover, and probably a kid or two that I need to learn to love myself. Easier said than done; the funny thing about me is that I’m just not able to turn that love on. To me, love is an action word, a verb, not a noun. That being said, in order to love myself, I must act the part. This is where Bikram yoga comes in. After practicing for over five years, I’m still amazed at the affect the yoga has on me- physical, emotionally, mentally- it clears me on all levels. It’s this yoga “magic” that keeps me coming back. Bikram has changed my life.
It certainly helps that I’ve got an addictive personality; I’ve come to adore and rely on the almost daily infusion of endorphins into my system. But that’s just a part of the physical/chemical reaction. In the 5+ years as a devotee, I’ve dropped approximately 40 pounds (of that total, ten were gained back, lost again, gained back…). My body has changed dramatically, from a size 18/20 to a 12. I’ve given up anti-depressants and that old knee injury? Well, it’s still stiff from time to time, but the pain is gone and range of motion has drastically improved. But this is just the physical- the measureable stuff. More important to me is how my internal landscape has changed.
I went to my first Bikram class in July of 2006. I know what you’re thinking- “You, Becky, made a conscious decision to walk into a room where the temperature is 105 degrees and the humidity is set to 50% in the middle of the summer?” Yes, yes I did. My sister had begun practicing earlier that spring and had been singing the praises of her hot room experience for months. But that wasn’t enough for me. Barb had practiced yoga for years and to this hard-core athlete, yoga had a “whimpy” status in my brain. Seriously, I thought, who does yoga when trying to get a good workout? You know my type- the runner, weight lifter, “varsity letter in three sports”- little did I know that I’m just the type of person who needs yoga.
A co-worker finally helped focus my attention on Bikram; she offered me a free pass! That’s my price. I checked out the class schedule and found a 6:30am class that would fit into my day; this wasn’t a huge stretch as I was normally up, out the door and hitting the pavement on my morning run by 5:30am. As instructed, I showed up a bit early for class, filled out some paperwork, got a brief overview- “the goal of your first class is to stay in the room”- then walked into the hot room. It had been suggested that I find a place in the back row, but since I was the first student in the room, I wasn’t sure which was front. I took my chances, rolled out my mat, placed my towel on top of it then sat down to wait. Other students slowly began to trickle in- male, female, all shapes and sizes. Me being me, I began to compare myself to them physically; a bit of fear set it. There in the room with huge mirrors in front of me I was faced with- ME; all of me. I didn’t like what I saw. Then the lights came up, the instructor walked in and she welcomed us to class. And that is just about all I remember from my first Bikram yoga class. Oh, except for the part where we got to lie down and rest between the standing postures and floor series. I seriously thought we were done at that point and was quite disappointed when the instructor announced that we were now done with the warm-up. WTH?
What was it that compelled me to go back to a second class? Seriously, I think it was divine intervention. Never in my life had I done anything so physically challenging; it was even tougher than giving birth- to the twins! I maintained a 3 day-per-week routine through August and September. In October of 2006 I was relieved of my employment (I had never been fired before). Shortly thereafter I slipped and fell during an early morning run. I remember lying on the ground, holding my knee with tears streaming down my face and feeling as though I was loosing a grip on my life. The constants were slipping through my fingers. With no health insurance, I chose to go to Bikram instead of the doctor. The Bikram dialogue told me that the yoga could fix anything; I still believe that today. There are so many similarities between my yoga practice and my drug & alcohol recovery; first and foremost, like AA, with Bikram I just kept going back. It was the one thing I could rely on, the one thing that wouldn’t change.
In January of 2007, after just six months of regular practice, I dedicated myself to a 60-day challenge. 60 classes in 60 days. Still unemployed, this wasn’t a huge time commitment for me; but it was an emotional challenge. After being unemployed for three months, I was beginning to lose faith in myself. Money was tight, my faith was weak and the bills were piling up. But I got to a yoga class everyday. That discipline helped me to tap my inner resources of perseverance, persistence, determination and mostly, hope.
I’ve completed two more 60-day challenges since then, one the summer of 2008, and the third in January of 2011. Each time I learn more about myself, what I’m made of and what I’m capable of. I trust myself more. In March 2011 I set the goal to attend Bikram Teacher Training in the fall of 2012. This is pivotal timing for me; my youngest children will graduate from high school in June, my 50th birthday is in August. What better gift to myself than to kick my yoga practice up a notch? Clearly there are not enough older, shapely female yoga teachers out there. More importantly, none are me- yet.
I’m motivated now to take even better care of myself physically, paying more attention to what goes into my body as fuel. My enthusiasm for clean eating has spilled onto my Facebook page to the extent that my friends have asked to come and cook with me. And this, THIS is what it’s all about; this is why we’re put in community together- to share our gifts and strengths to support one another. Because my friends, we’re all only as strong as our weakest link. This is love in action.